By Tom T Huston.

The following was originally sent to the Clarissa mailing list by Tom in response to comments about the Cable Ace Awards. These sort of develop into an amusing fictional tale of events.

>> I just finished up the image collection for the Ace Awards.
>>Well, that was quick! And here's a transcript...
>The show was broadcast live

That's what you think!!

>okay, about the jewelry... Melissa is wearing a delicate gold or silver necklace with
>little things hanging down

Well, they're not neccessarily the ones that hang down, but they kind of point down...

>(not pearls, but little trinkets of some sort -- I couldn't tell what they were);

To me, they looked like little pearl balls. I'm told wardrobe girls hand 'em out like candy.

>a pair of gold hoop earrings; she has more rings than usual: three
>rings on her right hand (2 on ring finger, 1 on middle finger) and three on her
>left (1 on thumb, 1 on index finger, 1 on middle finger); she has two
>bracelets on her right wrist (a tight-fitting one and a lighter, looser one with
>beads or trinkets or something on it);

Yeah, I heard she had a bit of trouble at the building's metal detector....

>(I didn't see an AIDS pin anywhere on Melissa)]

Melissa wouldn't wear an AIDS pin because not-so-bright-James would see the pin, think Mel had AIDS, and break up with her!!!

> Larisa: "Hi, I'm Larisa."
> Melissa: "And I'm Melissa."

The teleprompter was too far away, which caused Melissa and Larisa to accidentally speak eachother's opening line, and do so in the wrong order:

Larisa: "And I'm Melissa." Melissa: "Hi, I'm Larisa."

Paula Hart immediatly stormed the editing room and demanded that the segment be retaped to prevent people from seeing this serious error. Not wishing to risk certain death, the crew did as instructed. This problem caused the broadcasters to go to tape and broadcast with a four minute delay.

>[she stumbles slightly, pronouncing the word "demographic" more like
>"dime-ographic"; she grimaces (not necessarily in response to "blowing" her
>line, but maybe) as Larisa continues...]

Or maybe because it was a bad joke.

>unfortunately, Melissa chooses this moment to look up and around at the
>architecture and/or the people in the balcony;

"UNFORTUNATELY"?????!!!!!!!!! What of the poor guy who sneaked into the theater just to see Mel?? He was actually planning on committing suicide that same night, but changed his mind after Melissa looked at him! Sure, she may just have been glancing around, but this guy took that glance to mean that Mel took notice of him! SHE MAY HAVE SAVED A HUMAN LIFE!!!!!!!! And you call this "unfortunate"?!

And as for "architecture," well, what about the very sad Wiltern Theater who is known to have a serious crush on Melissa??! He was, in fact, considering collapsing on all the thousands of people present since Melissa had not even acknowledged his existence. She actually swore aloud as she entered the building! Sure, she may have been cursing at the metal detector, but Mr. Wiltern Theater did not think this was the case!! He, a building who takes much pride in his doorways, was extremely upset! It was this that drove him to contemplate collapsing, but _fortunately_ Melissa stopped the theater from taking such drastic action! After Mel glanced directly at Mr. Wiltern Theater, he felt that she was apologizing and that she still loved him. He then vowed to remain standing for centuries to come. Melissa thus averted a terrible catastrophe from befalling the thousands of people present!!! In light of this, I don't know about you Donald, but in my opinion, Melissa's actions were most certainly not "unfortunate"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

>she looks nervous;

She once said that she isn't "very comfortable on live TV."

>you can see her breathing

NNNNOOOOO!!!!!!! SHE BREATHES???????!!!!!!!!! THIS RUINS EVERYTHING!!!!! SHE MUST BE A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!! THE FREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARE YOU CERTAIN?? .........Just confirmed it; on other things she has done, she does in fact, breathe.

>[she starts to open the ace-shaped "envelope", which has caused
>problems for some of the presenters; it takes Melissa a second to break the seal,
>which causes Larisa to give a little laugh;

Well, perhaps someday Larisa will be in the same situation and will pass out on the stage after struggling for two minutes to break the envelope's seal! We'll see who laughs then, Larisa!

> Larisa: "Yea!" (laughs)

She also made a little "Yes!!!" physical exclamatory movement, because she felt she had, herself, won the award. She is, after all, Larisa Oleynickelodeon. That is, according to Alternity, and substatiated by TV Guide's "Oleynick" multiple spelling error.

>[music plays; shot of people standing up, hugging, etc.; two guys walk
>on stage...

...Melissa stares, bewildered, as everyone in the audience stands up and hugs the person next to them; security officers violently throw the two guys off the stage; Larisa continues smiling; James Fields and Mikethedumbass scream as they fly through the air and then become silent upon colliding with two hugging strangers; Melissa runs across the stage to help the two guys, but slows to a brisk walk after hearing someone in the audience loudly proclaim that she runs funny; audience members turn around and commence hugging a different person; Larisa continues smiling; Melissa reaches the two guys and helps James to his feet; she does the same for Mikethedumbass, but then kicks him in the stomach and face, utilizing techniques acquired during the filming of STTW#8; Mikethedumbass becomes angry and throws Melissa onto the stage, where Larisa just happens to break her fall; Melissa apologizes to the unconcious Larisa, who lays sprawled on the stage, and then runs towards a security officer; audience members turn around and hug the person behind them; Larisa continues to smile; Melissa grabs the security officer's gun and aims it at Mike; Mike grins at Melissa, tells her that she was really lousy in bed and says that she looked like a freak with those missing teeth; Melissa pulls the trigger; Larisa continues smiling; the bullet passes through Mike's chest and flies towards James; audience members begin finding new people to hug; the bullet strikes James in the forehead, but is deflected by his thick skull, merely rendering him unconcious; Larisa continues smiling; a shout is heard from the rafters of the happy building; Melissa smiles at Mikethedumbass' lifeless body and then turns to see a man with a camera falling from the ceiling; he falls straight down onto the lectern, smashing both it and Larisa; Larisa continues smiling; Melissa runs towards the man, since both the males she knew are apparently dead, and finds that he has a bullet wound in his groin region; she apologizes and turns to look at the strange behavior of the audience; Larisa continues smiling; an eerie blue light fills the building; Melissa turns away from the body of dead man, whose hat bears the letters "SID," and stares at the glowing ceiling of the happy building; the building becomes much happier because of this and tries to smile; the ceiling then rips apart and intense blue light floods the interior of the ultra-happy building; audience members swiftly insert their heads into popcorn buckets; Melissa looks for the source of the light and sees a huge triangular shaped object hovering above the building; she watches as three small aliens with large black eyes float down from the ship; Melissa runs towards James who is once again concious; James looks at Melissa and sees an AIDS pin that apparently got caught on Melissa after she toppled onto Larisa; he then pushes Melissa aside, grabs the gun and shoots himself in the chest; Melissa finds that she can't move and begins to become slightly fearful; the aliens look at James' body and insert a needle into his arm; Melissa, now panicked, watches as the aliens strip James of his clothing and begin smearing Arch-Deluxes all over his body; Melissa finds this utterly disgusting and feels like she is about to taste orange juice and pizza; the three aliens simultaneously turn and walk towards her; one of them places a metal stick against her forehead and she is soon overcome with intense memories and emotions that had been locked within the depths of her mind; audience members begin walking around aimlessly, buckets still on their heads, bumping into walls and eachother; Melissa remembers something, seemingly from another life, and flicks her finger at the audience; all members of the audience immediatly turn into pineapples, which the aliens find rather amusing; they turn their attention back to Melissa, who soon finds herself drifting out of her body and into the sky; the aliens aboard the spaceship ask their commander for instructions; Supreme Galactic Commander CCI.TPF.MJH1885A tells them to activate the Timeline Alteration Mechanism; Melissa, now out of body, finds herself in another time, looking at a sleeping guy in Texas; he wakes up and looks at her, but before he can say anything Melissa is pulled into the Supreme Galactic Commander's spaceship, where the Supreme Galactic Commander begins worshipping Melissa and telling her of great galactic battles to destroy the army of Alicia clones and how the TPF.MJH clones won and saved the Intergalactic Wolf Preserve from disaster in the battle of Wolf 359; Larisa continues smiling; the Supreme Galactic Commander also informs Melissa that Harvey is actually a being created by aliens who intercepted CEIA transmissions and wanted to clone Clifford, and they are the same beings who repaired Melissa's teeth through a series of genetic alterations; Melissa tells her mirror-image, the Supreme Galactic Commander, that she wants to return to her dead boyfriend James; the Supreme Galactic Commander then makes the startling revelation that James was actually the reincarnated soul of Tom Huston, who, not satisfied with one Hart girl, devised a plan to get three; aliens aboard the ship then inform their commander that the TAM process is completed; the Supreme Galactic Commander apologizes for not allowing Melissa to respond to questions online, but that it is important to the future outcome of battle Wolf 359 that she does not do so until the appropriate time; aliens then push Mel through the side of the spaceship; she soon forgets all that she has experienced and drifts back into her body; two men, not James and Mike, walk toward the stage to accept their award...]

>[it looks like Melissa offers the envelope to the guy who will speak
>(Brian Robbins, I assume), but he takes the award from Larisa, instead, and
>kisses her on the cheek; Melissa gives the envelope to the other guy and
>shrugs, as if to say "whatever"; he takes the envelope from her and they
>apparently exchange words -- then he, too, leans over and kisses Larisa (!);

[Melissa then becomes very upset at not getting kissed and runs off the stage; she shouts something to her mother like "you and your damn krimping!" and then grabs a security officer's gun; Larisa turns just in time to see a bullet flying towards her face; the aliens, in their ship, and obviously annoyed, activate the Timeline Alteration Mechanism once again...

...music plays; shot of people standing up, hugging, etc.; two guys walk onstage...]